Let’s not forget this recap is brought to you by Shari at teendramawhore.com.
Bonjour, Gossip Girl viewers. While we’ve been bored silly during the hiatus, Serena and Blair have been living it up, French-style, in Paris. If you’re Serena, that means being wooed by an endless parade of guys and not discussing Nate or Dan. And if you’re Blair, that means being wooed by an endless parade of food and French culture, and not discussing Chuck, of course. Lonesome B finally meets a guy who wants to take her out, and she has high hopes he’s of royal blood. When he invites along a friend, turning B’s fairytale into a nightmarish double date with Serena, Blair finds out that her suitor is a chauffeur for a royal, and not too prince-ly himself. Though it’s later revealed he was lying, and he is indeed a prince, it’s too late: Blair has caused too much damage. The snob in her came out full-force, as did the bitch when she found out via a phone call from her mom that Serena – like Blair – will be attending Columbia in the fall. Blair, seemingly convinced Serena will steal her thunder, let’s her best frenemy know she’s not welcome on the Upper West Side. Serena, hurt, ditches their date and plans to return to the states. Blair apologizes before S leaves, admitting not only does she still feel broken from Chuck, but she worried going to school with her best friend will drive them apart. Serena points out the flipside: it could bring them closer together.
When the sun sets in Europe, it’s still daytime on the Upper East Side where plenty of drama is taking place, even with Serena and Blair out of the country. Georgina has given birth during the show’s absence, and has shacked up with Dan in the Humphrey loft, where they jointly take care of baby Milo. Vanessa is shocked by the sight when she returns home from Haiti, and shocked again when Dan reveals he hasn’t told his dad. And she’s shocked once more when Dan admits he hasn’t had a paternity test. In the midst of a Fashion’s Night Out event at the van der Woodsen penthouse, Georgina shows up and let’s Rufus and Lily in on what’s going on. Rufus is more shocked and distrusting of Georgina than angry and unsupportive of Dan. He urges Dan to get a paternity test, and right on cue, Georgina reveals she already did one and Milo is indeed a Humphrey. Of course, in true Georgina fashion, she disappears soon after, leaving an unsuspecting Dan with the baby.
Nate, having spent the summer having copious amounts of, um, fun with the ladies from Chuck’s little black book, seems to have grown tired of doing the deed and little else. Conveniently, he meets a woman named Juliet around the same time, though she rebuffs his advances at first. When she relents and agrees to a coffee date, we see that this might’ve been her goal all along and the unknown-and-therefore-mysterious Juliet might be more complicated than initially thought. Not only does she have a penchant for wearing clothes and reattaching the tags afterward, but she seems to have been keeping track of our favorite Upper East Side gang via Gossip Girl and other media outlets.
Chuck has been off everyone’s radar – Blair’s, Nate’s, Lily’s – for the last few months, leading the latter two to begin questioning his whereabouts. Turns out, after having been shot in Prague, Mr. Bass has been nursed back to health by a woman we know from (real-life) news reports to be Eva. Chuck has purposefully given her a false name – Henry – and the two, now apparently in a relationship, travel to Paris. But wait, isn’t Blair there? How do you say “eek” in French?
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